Do you like the beginning of my story?
“Yes!” I shrieked, cupping my hand over my mouth once I realized my mistake.
My heart skipped a beat. I listened into the darkness, trying to catch the sound of anything that could mean danger; in case my voice called out to them. The sound of water dripping into a pool somewhere downstairs calmed my nerves. I suddenly inhaled, not knowing how long I’ve been holding my breath. The air’s musty scent pricked my nostrils.
I switched my eyes back over to the forbidden potion flask. What kind of an idiot would leave such a treasure unguarded in Lakerta, out of all lands? I wondered as I grabbed the glowing flask. Using it as a torch, I tiptoed across the stony floor and made my way toward the stairway door.
Just as my fingers brushed the tip of the cold doorknob, I heard the sound of flapping wings on the other side, growing louder with every passing second.
I froze in my place, but only for a second. My grip on the flask tightened as I stumbled backwards into the darkness. My back struck the wall, and I slid along it till I reached the cobweb filled corner of the dungeon. I was shivering uncontrollably; the hair on the back of my neck shot up as fear sunk into the depths of my heart. I sat down, hugging my knees, waiting for the Keeper to arrive and probably swallow me up.
And then, out of the blue, I got an idea that could either save my life or end it for sure. But what choice did I have?
The proximity of the flapping of the wings was alarming. Before the Keeper showed up, I rocketed towards the rectangular stone block that held the potion before I took it. I ducked behind it and breathed rapidly to calm my racing heart.
Suddenly, the door burst open with such a strong force, causing splinters of wood to fly across the room. I peeked over the block to make sure it was a Keeper. Indeed, a Keeper flew in and stood in front of the door, thankfully a few meters away from me. At first glance, one would tell that a Keeper is a rather large human being, with some odd markings here and there. But once it unfolds its wings, all traces of humanity vanish. I carefully observed it while it was sniffing the air for any scent of intruders. I had to find a weak spot, a spot where I could pour some of my potion onto.
But before I did, the Keeper suddenly turned it’s head towards me. It’s plain white eyes, once very human-like, glowed like a moon in a charcoal black sky. I stopped peeking and let the block conceal me once again, fear taking control of me. But I had found a weak spot. It’s eyes.
It’s show time, I hopefully told myself.
———————————
A few phrases, such as ‘it’s show time’, are in italics. But yeah ..
So what do you think? Critique and comments are welcomed.
Thanks!
Whoa I found a stupid mistake. In the paragraph before the last time I said IT’S twice when it must have been ITS.
Sorry.
Tagged with: back of my neck • darkness • doorknob • first glance • flapping wings • flask • holding my breath • knees • musty scent • nerves • nostrils • out of the blue • potion • Proximity • racing heart • rectangular stone • sound of water • splinters • strong force • torch
Filed under: Intruder Alarm Systems
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It’s honestly not too bad.
Your sentence structure could use a little work — most of your sentences are sharp and short where they could/should be combined into a longer and more descriptive line. For example, "I suddenly inhaled, not knowing how long I’d been holding my breath. The air’s musty scent pricked my nostrils" is fairly well written, but something along the lines of "I suddenly inhaled, not knowing how long I’d been holding my breath, and the air’s musty scent pricked my nostrils." There are still ways that it could be improved overall, but you see how that flows a little better?
When you’re describing the appearance of the Keeper, you switched tenses — be careful about that. Rather than writing the description like an encyclopedia article, write it from the eyes of your character. "It stood there on two legs like any other human being, but after one glance at its massive wings I was reminded that it was anything *but* human." Of course, you can change it around to make it more descriptive since it’s your creature.
I was about to say something about placing thoughts and such in italics but then I saw that you had addressed that at the end of the question. So I guess just work on combining a few of those choppy sentences to make them flow a little better — that will help cut back on punctuation too.
I like the last paragraph
Good luck!
Nice use of strong adjectives.
I also like the tension that you build up at the start.
You have potential as a writer however it was written in a childish manner. There were quite a few grammar mistakes. The sentence structure could also be worked on a little
Hope this helped
It’s pretty good, a little mysterious at the beginning, pretty well written. Just a few things:
- "I listened into the darkness, trying to catch the sound of anything that could mean danger; in case my voice called out to them." Take out the "in case my voice called out to them" the reader will assume that’s way.
- What kind of an idiot would leave such a treasure unguarded in Lakerta, out of all lands?" I’d take off the "out of all lands" it doesn’t sound right to me (also, this should probably be in italics, I know you can’t do that here but just letting you know in case)
- "Before the Keeper showed up, I rocketed towards the rectangular stone block that held the potion before I took it" Something about this sentence seemed a little…odd to me. Maybe try something like "I rocketed toward the rectangular stone black and grabbed the potion." Also, I’m confused, I thought she was holding the potion?
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